Balinese wedding: Pantomime meets tradition

Bali is all about tradition, religion and ceremony, governed under a system known as adat. For a Balinese person there are important annual and family ceremonies, plus a set of ‘life ceremonies‘ (oton on the person’s 1st birthday, maketus when their milk teeth fall out, manggah daa / manggah teruna when they hit puberty, mapandes the tooth filing ceremony and pawiwahan / nganten at marriage). The biggest one being marriage. When a Balinese couple get married it usually means the girl is pregnant, then gets married to her pacar (boyfriend). In fact many Balinese men will not marry a girl until she proves he can get pregnant. It simply means the girl is capable of having kids and that she and her husband will be locked into the Balinese family cycle of making kids and attending ceremonies. The family are actually happy about it. Covarrubias writes that the Balinese are naturally promiscuous (something that might be stretched to cover other parts of Indonesia also ) and pre-marital sex is not a taboo, as long as it is discreet.

When a Balinese person gets married (pawiwahan or nganten ) it must be done the ‘proper way’ which means in front of the whole village. If a man is living in his own place it will be at his house, if not at the home of his parents, the new wife moving in immediately.

The lowest thing in Balinese society is a janda which is an unmarried mother. There are times when a person or a groups of people are ‘ritually unclean’ or ‘sebel‘. For example after a married woman gives birth she is sebel and cannot visit the temple. A janda is unclean and cannot attend any big ceremonies therefore cutting her off from a large part of her culture. A Balinese man will likely not want a janda for a wife, so its bad news all round. One solution for a girl who was a janda might be to marry a foreigner for the intention of being ‘married’, him living in another country altogether.

For a westerner finding himself in the situation of having a pregnant Balinese partner there are 3 options. Marriage, fleeing the island for good, or await the anger of her male relatives. Its a big deal.

Not all young Balinese people can afford the elaborate preparations that an upacara (wedding) requires. There is a back door approach, which mirrors the old English tactic of running off to Scotland and getting hitched. The great thing about this is the degree of pretense it requires. An elopement (ngerorod or malaib) pretends to be a kidnapping. “Where’s Made this evening?” a mother might ask. “Wayan has kidnapped her” might be the response. The girls parents pretend to be outraged and insist the man must marry their daughter. They may even organize a search party to look for the missing girl, all the while knowing she’s with her boyfriend. The ‘kidnapping’ doesn’t last longer than a day or 2. When the couple arrive back at his parent’s house, a small wedding ceremony called a ‘makala-kalaan‘ is performed without the girls parents who are pretending to still be outraged.

Three days later another ceremony called a ‘ketipat bantal‘ is performed with both sides attending. Every body eats and is happy again. The funny thing about all this is everyone wants the same thing, for the couple to marry and have kids and everyone knows how things will plays out. They go this long route, everyone playing a part so that no one’s honor will be lost. One might ask why they don’t just say “Okay, we want to get married but don’t have the cash, instead of all the pretending lets have a feast here and save the time, maybe afterwards go catch a flick?” Of course that’s not the Balinese way.

Regarding gay people as ritually unfulfilled for not getting married, is something of a grey area. Some of the high priests are flamboyantly gay, because they are supposed to be able to communicate with the male and female Gods.

Finally there is another twist to the Balinese marriage structure. As previously mentioned, the girl will move in with the boy’s parents, if he does not yet own his house. If the girl’s family do not have any sons of their own, he must move in with the girl’s parents, under a situation called nyentana. The parents of the boy must consent to this as they are losing a son, so that the other family can continue their line.

All the above types of marriage are complicated and have variations. Ask a Balinese person to explain them in detail for you.