Balinese marriage: Putting the cart before the horse

Marriage is a little different in every country and the Balinese have their own style for sure. I know 2 young Balinese ladies, Wayan and Komang, who are getting married in the near future. The other day when I was getting a cup of coffee, I said as a passing comment to Wayan “So how’s your pacar (boyfriend), when you getting married?” “Will you come to my wedding?” said Wayan. “Sure,” I said “When is it?” “Not yet,” she said “Still a secret.”

All this means that Wayan is pregnant and will get married soon. Here in Bali, the men want to make sure the girl can have kids. Pregnant first, marriage second, is usually how it works.

The other young lady, works around the corner from my house, at a small shop. She knows Ika and Jevon, and is a total flirt with me and anybody else. The other day I had the feeling she had put on a couple of pounds, and the other night she was wearing a sweater. “When are you getting married?” I asked. “Not yet, maybe after next month.” she said. Parents of pregnant Balinese girls are totally happy, as long as the girl is of a lower caste than the boy. For a high caste girl to marry a low caste boy, would be a step down for her. In reverse, the girl can be elevated to the man’s higher caste.

The lowest thing is Balinese society is a janda (unmarried mother). She is sebel (ritually unclean) and cannot attend ceremonies. For a Balinese man there really is no choice when getting a girl pregnant. For a westerner, if you aren’t going to marry her, you’d better get on the next plane out of Bali.